there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
