i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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