how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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