Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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