mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize