I'm laying in your front yard are you home
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
