She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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