Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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