dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
