So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
