I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
