My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
