my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
