i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
