I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
