My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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