I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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