Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
