A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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