Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
