She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
