Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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