I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
