Come see our sink grown plant.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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