he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
