Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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