it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
we're so committed to being not committed
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