I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
