I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
