WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
