Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
That accounts for only three of the penises
me + whiskey = a bad person
I have already put on my inside pants.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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