either way he was missing a nipple.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
