I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
