He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
