Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You're like the curious george of whores
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
