Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
