gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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