im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
as a side note pls kill me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
