If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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