"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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