I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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