I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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