what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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