Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
