she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
