I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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