i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
