I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
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Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
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I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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