By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
