dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
