Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
