my mouth tastes like poor choices
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
