At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
