If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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