Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
