His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
