I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I have aggressive nipples.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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