sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
