We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
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Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
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Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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