I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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