we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
