i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
