i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Also, beer. Big fan.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
