I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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