So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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