even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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